renewal

So I thought I would whip out the old WordPress account, dust it off, and get back to some creative/therapeutical writing. I know it helped me before, and I think it will continue to help.

A lot has changed since my last posts. Life Happened. Eggshells walked on. Tears cried. Wine drank. Yet, I am still here. A little bruised, a little bent…..but not broken. After a couple years of therapy, I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. But to me, that’s like saying a recovering addict is no longer at risk of relapse. I actually had to delete about 8-10 posts, because they dealt with my toxic ex, his ex and his shitty family and it was a huge trigger, rereading all that. And that’s not what I want.

My Ex, the drunk, adult baby, anxiety riddled ex is just that….. a thing of the past. It didn’t matter how much better I got – in his mind, I was tainted. Damaged goods. I could never be the Perfect Wife he needed (what he really wanted was a mother figure anyways – without all that relationship stuff). It ended, and I am happy for that. I wish him well.

My current husband L is a very sweet guy – but man oh MAN did he get messed up in his previous relationships. His First marriage was for 15 years or so – and they were emotionally and verbally abusive to each other, and she was physically violent to him. Why you ask are you taking on such things in my state? I didn’t know how bad it was till a few months into the relationship. He has poor communications skills. High anxiety, and cannot take criticism. He cannot admit when he does something wrong consistently either. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t.  He has also lied to me about cheating, and well, my trust issues being soooo awesome, well, it makes it difficult.  SO new marriage is already a struggle. This makes me sad. I love the heck out of him, BUT , its also getting to a point of, is this really healthy for me/him especially in the state he is in? I question, because while I have been with him, I have slipped. I am not in the healthy place I was.

Depression.

I just don’t feel I am healthy anymore. So I have decided to get back into the habits that GOT me healthy. Writing – CHECK. BPD training site – CHECK. Therapy – CHECK. Marriage counseling – unknown……still waiting on word from L that we will be going.

I just feel like I am ready for a renewal. L can fix his shit and if we get better great, if not…….I will be ok with that too. I just need to get back to being the happy person I was.

Spring is coming!

 

 

 

 

Why are people so scared of a damn label?

Seriously?  Is it Fear? Lack of Education? Why do people that used to be close to you – think your damaged? They were friends through the “boarderline episodes” but once that diagnosis is in – its “Its not her fault” and they pull away. How come People cant be happy that I am getting help, and feeling better – AND starting to see some progress? Is me not feeling better the most important thing? I know, I know, “they were not really your friends then” . Ugg. That is no excuse.

I just dont understand how people that “cared” about me when I was really struggling – now want nothing to do with me – now that I am feeling GOOD. Just because of a label. Please dont define me by my label – define my by who I am. I am still the passionate person that would give the shirt off my back to help my loved ones – I am still the person you can call when you need someone to talk to – just to listen. I am still that person that will bring gatorade when your not feeling well. I am still ME to all of my firends – my battles are all internal. My battles are about my self worth. My identity. If I can be a friend when I am at my worst – why not when I am getting better?

I just dont understand – I am used to people leaving when I am at my worst – I get mean and ugly – and push people away – then its a race to push them away,so I dont get abandoned. These are people that have stuck through all that – and now that I am getting help, and they find out I am on …..Meds…….(OH NO!!!) I am somehow not the same person? ?  If anything – I am able to be there more for others. Before I would usually be too wrapped up in my own chaos. 

So yeah, I do understand that they were likely not my friends truely – but my mind just doesnt process that. It just doesnt compute. What has changed?  Here is the million dollar question – “And its ME that has a problem with Black/White thinking and Idealization???? I am the one thats “screwed up?”   HA!

Marilyn Monroe has said – “If you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” 
I am NOT perfect – but neither is anyone else. And I am working on getting better……Everyday. Somedays I am good – somedays I struggle.  But everyday – I am still me. And I do know one thing – I am a great friend. If thats not good enough for them…that sounds like its their problem………not mine. If me taking meds scares people – or me getting therapy  is scary……remember Marilyn (likely a BPD sufferer too).   

 

MY best is coming – and you dont deserve me!!

I did it!

Trigger Warning (TW): This post contains content that may be triggering for some readers.

I will start this off by stating that I am very proud of myself yesterday – trigger after trigger I found myself using skills – that are still new to me by the way. Lets set this up.
 
1:lack of sleep the night before
2:stressed about my project at work being taken out of scop, yet again
3:bills,bills, bills
4: The 16 year old failing 10th grade
5: the impending bi-polar daughter coming to visit for the summer

Ya’ll know the drill……..stress – overwelming emotions – yet the show must go on.
I was really struggling – and the BF was in an avoidance pattern yesterday that didnt help much – but in the end it really was the last of my “issues” to focus on. (which is an accomplishiment in itself)
Trigger after trigger – I found myself upstairs – relaxing myself – using distraction techniques – and focusing on how I cannot change any of this right NOW – what I CAN change is how I react to this.

Also I made cookies – and REALLY focused on the small hings – measurements – testing the dough (best part of making cookies, no?) getting the oven temp right- turning the cookies for even browning…….all the things I dont normally do when I am “just making cookies”.  Then I savored the warm cookies…..using every sense I have to experience them – in the end…..my kids and I ended up having a good evening, complete with cookies!

I am proud of myself at this moment in time – I was able to avoid the “usual” pattern.  I hope this helps someone in need – we need to remember:

1:Keep an eye on our emotions and triggers
2: Remember those excersizes
3:Reach out if you need support
4: When the moments pass, dont forget to PRAISE yourself 
5:If you had a setback – be aware of the steps you tried, and be proud you took those steps!

Hope this helps someone remember the AMAZING person they are, and that you are not alone!

I inturrupt this boring salad for the following message:

So, I subscribed a while back ago to this daily email from ‘My Dialectical Life’ and the topic today? Habits, as a source of self regulation – how some can be healthy and some not. It made me think, I have been eating so much lately. Everything in sight – full or not. Hmmm, this cannot be good, so I decided that I likely need to start a food diary, else I start gaining too much.
I have cut out all alcohol (boy, was that needed) and I believe I have replaced it with junk food. Why cant healthy food taste as good, and be just as satisfying? Why cant I nibble on a stalk of celery, and get the same feeling I get from Chili Cheese Fritos? Oh well, I ordered a salad for lunch……Meh.

So – since I am a slef-poroclaimed ‘Foodie’ I ask – what are some good things that you might snack on – that are not ‘as’ bad for you? I want to try not to do the usual and go from one extreme (unhealthy snacks) to the other extreme (all healthy). Is that not the point of getting better? To find that elusive (dare I say it….) MIDDLE GROUND? I know! I just spoke in tongues…..ha ha.  Would love to hear some things that others snack on – that might not be as bad (yet still satisfies that junk food monster) as a half bad of Fritos. *head is hung in shame*

Does anyone have any recipes for cookies or muffins that they are interested in sharing? Anyone else out there a foodie-gone-wild?

PS – Happy Friday! Hope every one reading this today is finding themselves in a good place today! 

 

Watch “What Borderline Personality Disorder feels like…(TRIGGER)” on YouTube

Help that came from an unlikely place.

Trigger Warning (TW): This post contains content that may be triggering for some readers.

Its a Chilly evening in March – I am feeling my usual panic – My boyfriend and I have been broken up for about a month, and I am SCARED. Fear has completely taken hold of me. I am not concentrating at work, I am struggling with the kids, I am even struggling with they day to day things. What is WRONG with me?

Why cant I just STOP? What makes me lose control like this?  Work stress is piling up, oh, and bills are knocking down my door. Can I do this myself, I ask?

So I do what I will refer to as my typical ‘boarderline style’ that is so common for that time in my life. I threaten suicide. “Every one is better off” “The kids will get insurance” I drink some wine, and drive off…….do I WANT to do this? No – becuase after I drive like a maniac to a nearby empty parking lot and make a few turns – I realize – no, I just want someone to CARE.

I go home. My kids are scared. I call a few friends – hoping to get some help….but no one wants to get involved. Damn, I have to call HIM the B – the BAD EX. UG, the dread, thinking I am about to get laughed at. I call him, and tell him I am struggling – and whats going on, and guess what? He cares. He makes sure I am safe for the night, and takes me to the clinic the very next day. Where  my story begins………

A couple of months later – I have the Sucide Hotline memorized, I have seen a therapist, and I am under a psychiatrists care. I also have seen who are my REAL friends – and who really cares about me. My kids DO care. the B  DOES care. I DO have some friends that care – although its not the ones I thought. The B and I have decided to work together at a friendship, where it leads, no one knows…..but he is my strongest supporter – and I know I can count on him to believe in me to get well.

I have a diagnosis – Boarderline Personality Disorder with a splash of PTSD to boot. Does any one know what this means? I am NOT broken!  While I may be a little mixed up – a little bent out of shape, I CAN heal!  I dont have to have those kind of nights, while its early on in my progress, I can learn skills that may reduce or altogether (dare I say it?) stop those kinds of reactions/thoughts/behaviours? No more escalation that doesnt ever seem to end? Excuse me, Where do I sign up?

This Blog will chronicle my journey, my findings, my explorations, my issues, my triggers and everything else in between. If I make some friends that can understand – well -thats just icing on the cake!

All in all – I am feeling VERY good about this diagnosis – I finally have a real reason as to why react the way I do. After being diagnosed incorrectly as Manic Depressive (Bi-Polar) and General Anxiety Disorder – and being put on meds that not only didnt help me, but often made me feel worse, I now feel like I can heal. I had given up on myself – labeling myself as just……fucked. Now I know better.

The interesting part is seeing who my real friends are – people that I thought REALLY cared ( my EX)  – have isolated me as damaged goods – because they are not educated. Its been a good start – and am glad to get rid of those negative people around me.  Typically in my usual boarderline style, I am fighting to not lose  my friends, gain back that acceptance…..even if its  not a healthy relationship…..now I am realizing that I need people who care around me. People who are willing to take a moment an get educated as to what BPD is – and how it affects ME. I think I am on the right path.

Thanks for reading my first post.