So I thought I would whip out the old WordPress account, dust it off, and get back to some creative/therapeutical writing. I know it helped me before, and I think it will continue to help.
A lot has changed since my last posts. Life Happened. Eggshells walked on. Tears cried. Wine drank. Yet, I am still here. A little bruised, a little bent…..but not broken. After a couple years of therapy, I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. But to me, that’s like saying a recovering addict is no longer at risk of relapse. I actually had to delete about 8-10 posts, because they dealt with my toxic ex, his ex and his shitty family and it was a huge trigger, rereading all that. And that’s not what I want.
My Ex, the drunk, adult baby, anxiety riddled ex is just that….. a thing of the past. It didn’t matter how much better I got – in his mind, I was tainted. Damaged goods. I could never be the Perfect Wife he needed (what he really wanted was a mother figure anyways – without all that relationship stuff). It ended, and I am happy for that. I wish him well.
My current husband L is a very sweet guy – but man oh MAN did he get messed up in his previous relationships. His First marriage was for 15 years or so – and they were emotionally and verbally abusive to each other, and she was physically violent to him. Why you ask are you taking on such things in my state? I didn’t know how bad it was till a few months into the relationship. He has poor communications skills. High anxiety, and cannot take criticism. He cannot admit when he does something wrong consistently either. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. He has also lied to me about cheating, and well, my trust issues being soooo awesome, well, it makes it difficult. SO new marriage is already a struggle. This makes me sad. I love the heck out of him, BUT , its also getting to a point of, is this really healthy for me/him especially in the state he is in? I question, because while I have been with him, I have slipped. I am not in the healthy place I was.
I just don’t feel I am healthy anymore. So I have decided to get back into the habits that GOT me healthy. Writing – CHECK. BPD training site – CHECK. Therapy – CHECK. Marriage counseling – unknown……still waiting on word from L that we will be going.
I just feel like I am ready for a renewal. L can fix his shit and if we get better great, if not…….I will be ok with that too. I just need to get back to being the happy person I was.
Spring is coming!